Here’s a little IM exchange I had recently with Ian from CenturyLink, our home-phone provider. This exchange highlights some not so elegant corporate systems and perhaps my increased amount of free time. 
Thank you for using CenturyLink.com. A CenturyLink Sales and Service Consultant will be with you in just a moment. Your account information is confidential and protected by law. Advise our agent if you prefer that we don’t use it to market products or repair your services. This has no effect on the service we provide you.
Thank you for contacting CenturyLink. My name is Ian H. (20799). How may I help you today?
Ian H. (20799): Hello Scott, what can I help you with today?
Scott Mueller: Sorry, I had stepped out for a moment.
Scott Mueller: My phone is getting a dial tone, but doesn’t seem able to dial out.
Scott Mueller: I’m getting a busy signal for every number I try.
Ian H. (20799): Have you tried to submit a phone repair ticket over your MyAccount?
Scott Mueller: I have not.
Ian H. (20799): That is one of two ways to submit a ticket, the other would be to call 1-877-348-9007 from any working phone. Phone support is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Scott Mueller: I’m not sure I have an online account setup… I tried to get it to email me a user name and it locked me out after I tried 4-5 possible email addresses. Is there any way I can have you submit a ticket on my behalf? (I don’t have cell reception where I live so I can’t call it in.)
Ian H. (20799): Emails can no longer be used as the username due to recent IT changes. Let’s get you verified and we’ll get you logged on so you can submit a ticket. Sound like a plan?
Scott Mueller: Sure.
Ian H. (20799): Just to verify that I am speaking with the responsible party on this account, may I have your full name, billing telephone number, your full billing address, city, state, and zip code, and either the last four of your social or your three digit customer code?
Scott Mueller: Scott Mueller
Scott Mueller: ***-***-****
Scott Mueller: ***** **** ******
Scott Mueller: *********, ** *****
Scott Mueller: ****
Ian H. (20799): I apologize but the billing address information you’ve given is either incomplete or does not match what we have on file. Please verify your billing address exactly as it appears on your bill
Scott Mueller: ***** **** ******* Rd. (?) Just missing road? That is my address.
Ian H. (20799): I apologize but that is not a match to what we have on file. It must be an exact match in order to verify. Please verify the billing address exactly as it appears on your bill
Scott Mueller: It seems to be wrong in your system… But ok, on the bill it says: ***** **** ******* [<--This time in all caps]
Scott Mueller: ***** **** ******* [<--This time in all caps]
Ian H. (20799): Thank you for verifying and spending the past 4 years with us. Just a moment while I get the MyAccount system ready for us
Ian H. (20799): Before I can make any changes or release any information on the MyAccount, I will need you to verify your MyAccount security code. Could you verify this code for me please?
Scott Mueller: No clue. Is it a password or a numeric code?
Ian H. (20799): It is an 18 digit alphanumerical code
Scott Mueller: 0_o
Scott Mueller: 18 digit code? Is it on the bill somewhere?
Ian H. (20799): It would appear on your first 3 bills. If you don’t have those with you, we can send the code via automated phone call to your land line or to you via US Mail
Scott Mueller: I don’t have my first 3 bills from 4 years ago….
Scott Mueller: Hehe… you said US Mail!
Ian H. (20799): That’s alright. As I said, we can send it in an automated phone call to your land line if you’re home
Scott Mueller: Can’t you call my line to verify it’s broken and just fix it!? Why these hoops!? YOUR LINE IS BROKEN! And so is your corporate position towards customer service. I know it’s not you creating these policies, but doesn’t it seem like they could make your job easier, Ian!?
Scott Mueller: Please try to call my land line… no one else can get through though.
Ian H. (20799): We’ll give it a try. I will send the call 10 seconds after this messages. Please keep in mind that your MyAccount security code is not your password so you will not be able to log in with this code. Just type it in to me when you get it
Scott Mueller: Ok. Sounds good.
Scott Mueller: I dare you type a bad word, Ian.
Scott Mueller: So far no call.
Scott Mueller: Still no call…
Scott Mueller: Ooh! A call!
Scott Mueller: No…
Scott Mueller: Bird.
Ian H. (20799): If the call didn’t go though, then the only other option we have is to send the code via US Mail and I’d have to ask you to use a pay phone of neighbors phone to contact Phone Repair. I apologize for the inconvenience
Scott Mueller: Holy cow! Really! You know my phone isn’t working! YOU JUST TRIED TO CALL!
Scott Mueller: At least I can still get a hold of people via Twitter right?
Ian H. (20799): Assuming you have an account, I’m sure you can. Would you like me to send you the code via US Mail? I know it doesn’t help right now, but you can still call in on another working phone
Scott Mueller: I live a nearly 20 minutes from cell service range. Can’t you please just submit a ticket for somebody to fix the obviously broken line?
Ian H. (20799): I apologize Scott, but my department is not outfitted to submit phone repair tickets.
Scott Mueller: This is Customer Service and Support, but you can’t submit repair tickets? Doesn’t that seem ironic to you?
Scott Mueller: Don’tcha think?
Scott Mueller: </alanis morisette>
Ian H. (20799): We are Customer Service and Sales. We have limited abilities. Also, despite the situation, that brought a smile to my face
Scott Mueller: See Ian, I’m trying my best to help your day. #justsayin
Ian H. (20799): I know Scott and I really wish I could do something more helpful but I honestly have no ability to do anything further
Scott Mueller: Hypothetically speaking, if I was say less jocular and more irate, would there be a way you could elevate this ticket somehow internally to someone/department that could then submit this help ticket? Or perhaps…
Scott Mueller: Can you submit this to your supervisor so that one day they may empower you, Ian?
Scott Mueller: Can this help ticket be the wind beneath your wings?
Scott Mueller: I HAVE MANY CALLS TO MAKE, IAN!
Ian H. (20799): That’s a great question but unfortunately, even my supervisor can’t submit a ticket. Also, my supervisor sees all my chats
Scott Mueller: (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
Ian H. (20799): Is that a koala?
Scott Mueller: A very angry table-flipping koala, Ian.
Ian H. (20799): That is amazing! I can understand your frustration but there is honestly nothing more I can do
Scott Mueller: I’m not sure we’ve really examined every side of this issue, Ian. Perhaps there are some more creative perspectives we could try. OOH, LET’S BRAINSTORM!!!
Scott Mueller: Does your boss have a dry-erase board!? Go get it! I’ll wait here.
Ian H. (20799): Well, it isn’t a dry erase board but I have a notebook
Scott Mueller: Ok. Let’s draw a circle in the middle of the page. And inside this circle let’s write “Scott’s broken phone line”.
Ian H. (20799): Okay, we’ve done it
Scott Mueller: Now let’s write possible solutions to this problem and identify why each may or may not work.
Scott Mueller: You wanna start us off, Ian?
Scott Mueller: I know of one. We could try online tech support?
Scott Mueller: Guess we’re gonna have to scratch that one out though, huh Ian? Too soon? Ok… moving on.
Ian H. (20799): Okay, we have two options. We can have you submit a ticket over the MyAccount or we can have you call in to Phone Repair. Online tech support (ie. My department) is not outfitted to submit tickets
Scott Mueller: Ok… now we’ll have to scratch out MyAccount, cause I don’t seem to have access to MyAccount… I need to CALL IN to fix that.
Ian H. (20799): Do you have a friend or neighbor who is close by who might allow you to use their phone to make the call?
Scott Mueller: Ian, are you thinking to yourself, “This guy could have driven the 20 minutes by now”.
Ian H. (20799): Not at all. I don’t think about driving when I’m not in a car
Scott Mueller: Most of my friends are online, Ian. I live in the middle of the woods. Does this surprise you?
Scott Mueller: I have chickens.
Scott Mueller: They have a really nice coop, but no land line.
Ian H. (20799): If I lived in Washington, I’d live in the woods too. I hear it’s beautiful up there
Ian H. (20799): No land line for the chickens? Unheard of!
Scott Mueller: They did have a “chicken cam” with their own laptop out there for a bit.
Scott Mueller: Ok… this is dragging on.
Ian H. (20799): I didn’t know they made those
Scott Mueller: You have a spectacular day, Ian. I need to walk uphill the two miles in the snow to the nearest neighbor to call in this issue.
Scott Mueller: WHAT IF THEIR PHONE IS OUT TOO, IAN!?
Scott Mueller: They don’t even have a computer.
Scott Mueller: Pretty sure they only speak Russian. God this going to be awkward.
Ian H. (20799): Wish I knew some Russian. I’d offer to give you a few lessons
Scott Mueller: They’re going to think I broke THEIR phone!
Scott Mueller: I’ve learned PREE-VEE-YET. Means “Hi”.
Ian H. (20799): I’ll keep that in mind. I can say GUTEN MORGEN, but that’s German, not Russian. I’m of no help here. I apologize
Scott Mueller: How do we end this, Ian? Will you remember to write?
Scott Mueller: I kinda feel you phoned it in on the brainstorming session. No offense.
Ian H. (20799): None taken Scott, I apologize if I seemed a bit short.
Ian H. (20799): I really do wish I could be of more assistance though and do sincerely apologize for not being able to be
Scott Mueller: It’s ok, Ian. I think we both know “the man” is to blame.
Ian H. (20799): Ce la vie
Ian H. (20799): I appreciate your patience with me though and I’m glad that you were understanding in this situation
Scott Mueller: I should use more CAPSLOCK. I’m quite livid actually.
Ian H. (20799): I can understand why you would be. This situation is anything but ideal.
Scott Mueller: Oooh!
Scott Mueller: Wait a second!
Scott Mueller: I forgot….
Scott Mueller: PRETTY PLEASE?
Scott Mueller: I forgot to say please earlier! I’m sorry, Ian.
Scott Mueller: Now can you submit a ticket for my broken phone line?
Ian H. (20799): I apologize but not even with a maraschino cherry on top
Scott Mueller: Damn.
Scott Mueller: I broke out the big guns there.
Scott Mueller: You know it’s broken though don’t you, Ian?
Ian H. (20799): My system won’t even tell me that. My department isn’t suited for phone repair of any kind. We can’t even use remote access for PC Tune Ups in my department
Scott Mueller: What does a Customer Service and Support person for a phone company do if they can’t submit tickets for phone line issues?
Scott Mueller: I find this intriguing.
Ian H. (20799): Refer people to other departments to submit the ticket
Scott Mueller: This no “MyAccount” access is really holding me back then, eh?
Scott Mueller: Hmph.
Ian H. (20799): Indeed it is. So what I can do is send you the code via us mail and you should get in about 3-5 business days
Scott Mueller: OMG, I just thought of this. What if there is a wildfire today!? I won’t get the automated call for evacuation notice.
Scott Mueller: This is ominous, Ian.
Scott Mueller: You have the chance to SAVE LIVES here.
Ian H. (20799): I apologize but aside from sending the code via us mail, there isn’t much I can do at the moment aside from ask that you make the call into phone repair from a receptive area
Scott Mueller: Ok, Ian. I gotta go now. I have to drive into town to call your company so they can fix the line they should already be able to tell is broken. This round trip will cost me ~$3.50 in gas. I’ve timed our conversation during the times it has said “Agent is typing…” Based on that #, assuming they don’t pay you much if any over federal minimum wage, I’ve cost your company as much as they are about to cost me. It’s not a victory, but if we just roll over every time, what happens then, Ian?
Scott Mueller: Peace.
Ian H. (20799): Have a great day Scott and thank you for your patience
Scott Mueller: Whatever.
Ian H. (20799): Is there anything else I can assist you with?
Scott Mueller: Don’t tease me, Ian. You. Can’t. Help. Good bye, Ian.
Scott Mueller: You hang up first.
Ian H. (20799): Thank you for your time Scott
Thank you for using CenturyLink.com. Your chat session has ended.
NOTE: Turns out, the weird issues I was experiencing were because another phone in the house was off the hook. *facepalm* HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? Not too long ago this problem would have presented itself differently. But I’m guessing it wouldn’t take too much training to spot this problem now, and help me sort it out instead of what I ended up experiencing with our friend Ian here. And I do miss him, he was quite a sport.
SOAPBOX MOMENT: Our “experiment in sustainable living” has me looking at the world a bit differently. I’m way more familiar with terms like buy local, corporate greed and quality of life than I used to be. And possibly because of this, or perhaps due to my work designing customer user experiences I take particular notice when my needs are not being met. Especially if my frustration stems from corporate systems that could be so much better suited to actually serving their customers. Great design in these systems is an art. But when we prioritize profits above all else, finesse in this area tends to suffer along with all sorts of other things. But mainly us. We suffer.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this! … Laughing through most of it. Having the conversation by way of IM probably helped with the humor of it all. Love following your adventures at Moosicorn Ranch
I have a co-worker who matches your skills for these on phone / on line situations.
Re the NOTE paragraph
I blame Gordon
AARGH! I DESPISE century link. I had a land line with Qwest, and when it was still Qwest, it only cost me about $40 a month.
Enter Centurylink. My bill jumped to almost $70. For. Just. A. Landline. With voicemail. And call-hating. And caller-id. Really, don’t these things come standard anymore?
Every time I called to pay, I complained about the price. “I could get a cell phone for cheaper, and I could send TEXTS and take PICTURES.” No help from Century link. “We can bundle your TV and DSL with your phone, and your landline will only cost $20 a month.” Thats nice, but I really hate syndicated television. I hate paying for commercials. I liked Qwest DSL internet, but I turned it off to try to save money.
Now, when I’m on maternity leave in about a month, we will be getting COMCAST, so I can work from home part time. Cause really? I’d rather deal with Comcast than Centurylink.
I was a noble payer of service with Centurylink for over 5 years, and they couldn’t even give me a break on a landline.
I understand that your issue was with a phone off the hook. That sucks. What sucks even more? The hoops you had to jump through with them just to get help. One of the worst companies I have ever dealt with.
Besides Avista, that is.
Ok, That was LOL funny! However, that’s a very old picture in the background. I’m just saying……but I like the visual.
You sure that wasn’t Peggy?
Have I told you lately – “That I Love You”!!!!
Yes, I read the entire diatribe. Unbelievable! Ian sounds like a lovely, patient man…as are you, Scott…my adorable cucumber eating nephew. I enjoyed your dialog tremendously. Um, especially the NOTE at the paragraph which is second from the bottom. Ahem.
Love,
~ Aunt Joyce (Your Most Favorite Of All Aunts) <3